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Then there was...

Zereh Lalji

For Juney, on the hand, pregnancy was so traumatic an affair that, after her daughter was born, she just could not bring herself to consider having another child. "I was a normal, healthy woman who had hardly suffered anything more than a common cold or flu. Until I got pregnant, that is."

Juney became heavily asthmatic -- once, she even collapsed due to lack of oxygen. Yet, it was only when Juney discovered that her daughter was born with asthma that she decided against having another child.

Shailesh Joshi and his wife, on the hand, wanted a second child. "But my wife is four to five years older than me." he says. "She had already had two-three miscarriages and it took her a while to recover. Then, our daughter was born and we had to learn to reorient our whole life around her. By the time we settled down once again, it was too 'dicey' for us to attempt having another child."

In many cases, it was the actual hands-on experience of having a child that dissuaded people from having another child. "We had a rather difficult time, learning how to cope with our first child; how to deal with this new person in your life. A child demands a lot of attention; it requires a total reorientation of your mental make-up," says Shailesh.

The Xaviers

"Bringing up a child means a lot of energy," adds Medha Chinai. "And once we had Neha, we knew we did not want a child for some time at least." The Chinais were so happy with their baby daughter that it was more than five years before they even began considering having another child. "But we didn't really take it seriously, because we had wanted a girl -- and we had Neha."

Yet, the Chinais, like most parents with single children, tend to worry about their daughter -- about whether they are being overprotective, about whether she is getting spoilt. "Obviously, since she is the only child, the food will be cooked to her taste. Since we have two cars, I can't very well send the car late to her school just to teach her a lesson in patience. But I do try not to be overindulgent."

Like the time, a few years ago, when boots were a craze amongst teenagers. And Neha, who was around nine or ten years old then, wanted a new pair. "I told her boots were expensive and, since she had more than enough pairs of shoes, I wasn't going to get her another one. So she decided to earn her way through. And she actually did it by baking and selling brownies. She managed to earn about Rs 500 from the Rs 700 she needed, when her grandfather gave her the money to buy the shoes."

Juney Xavier has taught her daughter similar lessons in thrift. "Sometimes," she laughs, "I think Alisha seriously believes we are not really okay on the finance level."

Despite their parents's misgivings, both Neha Chinai and Alisha Xavier seem happy being only children. Zereh Lalji, on the other hand absolutely hates the fact that she is a single child. This, despite the fact that she comes from an extremely closeknit family and is very close to most of her brood of cousins. "In fact," says her mother Rashida, pensively, "ever since Zereh has started saying she misses a sibling, I've begun to wonder whether we made a mistake by deciding to have only one child."

Medha is not so sure. "Come on, everyone talks of this special relationship that exists between siblings - I don't think one needs to make such a fuss about it. My brother and I were never really close; both of us led our own lives. It was only after I got married that my brother and I started getting close to each other. Besides, Neha does not seem to miss having a sibling."

The Laljis

Shailesh, a single child himself, believes that the only child has to battle with some definite disadvantages. "You will find more dependency in a single child family than a multi-sibling one. Single children definitely have more advantages until they reach the age of 10. After that stage, it is the children with siblings who perform better.

"After a child reaches his or her teens, he is more exposed to the real world. A child from a multi-sibling family can, in such a situation, fend better for himself. Single children tend to be overprotected; as a result they find themselves unable to handle any kind of emotional trauma.

"You invariably have a crush on one of your college mates; if s/he rejects you, you don't know how to handle it. You'll be insulted, your ego will be crushed in public -- children from multi-sibling families can handle such emotional pinches much better since they must have already faced all or most of these situation in their interaction with their siblings. These are problems a parents has to be aware of and has to deal with so that the child emerges as a well rounded person."

Alpana, at the moment, is facing an identical problem with her daughter. "She's having a problem with her partner in school -- apparently, he's something of a slob and tends to sprawl over the entire desk. She's a neat child and this really bothers her. But she won't talk to this boy and she won't let me come to school and talk to her teacher. I guess she'll learn. She has a very aggressive mother; some of it has to rub off on her."

Alisha Xavier with her father

And then, there is the question of expectation. Of whether or not the child will prove to be a companion, a support for their old age. Of whether they would like to achieve their professional ambitions. Of feeling of disillusionment, and grief, as the child seems to drift from the parents as he or she grows older.

"There is no question of forcing Zereh to do anything that she does not want to," say the Laljis firmly. Though Habib would have loved her to take over his investment and finance business, Zereh is much happier in her career as a visualiser in a computer software firm.

"We have no expectations of Zereh, except that she be there for us when we need her. She is both our son and our daughter," say the Laljis.

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