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Ten Rules for Sunday

By Alfred Satish Jones in Washington, D.C
March 22, 2003 19:13 IST
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STATUTORY WARNING: The content to follow has only a tangential bearing on the actual game to be played on Sunday. Instead, it is an anthropological observation of typical cricket fan behaviour. If you are looking for serious and thought provoking analyses germane to the India-Australia game, click over to www.cricketgeek.com.

With that out of the way, let's get down to business.

My host for the World Cup final is Amit. He left a message for me saying he had to come up with some ground rules for the mob that was descending on his home at 2 am Sunday.  When I asked him why, he said, "I am forced to do this because of the consistently egregious conduct of you and the other friends that I have hosted for this World Cup."

I'm exaggerating of course. What he actually said was, "You buggers better behave, I'm having some guests over for the game." Ah that Amit, he's always had a way with words. For better or for worse, here are the rules:

One: If you don't believe Sachin is god's gift to mankind, get the hell out. Seriously, GET THE HELL OUT!

Two: At the first sign of adversity facing the Indian team, if you even think of saying, "Oh I think we're going to lo** the game", you will die a horrible, painful death.

Three: Rajeev, find a pair of garden shears and trim those horrendous foot antlers you call your toenails. Author's note: most of us take off our footwear when we enter Amit's place. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

Four: If you're in the loo and you hear the rest of us shout, make sure you do both of the following before rejoining society: 1. Zip up.  2. Flush.

Five: Even if you believe it, do not say anything to the effect of,  "Australia is an amazing/professional/incredible team!"  If you do, be prepared to have condiments or assorted kitchenware thrown at you.

Six: You don't exactly move like a ballet dancer, wait for others to approach you before doing the High Five.

Seven: Do not volunteer information about whether the ball recently bowled was an off-cutter, in-swinger, seamer, beamer or non-dairy creamer. We also know the game, and even if we don't, we'd like Tony Greig to tell us.

Eight: If you shout 'Aaaaaaawwwtttt!' when any Indian batsman is clearly not out, your ass will be Aaaaaaawwwtttt on the street.

Nine: If you say one more thing about Sehwag and the ball outside off and leaving the batsman, you will be smacked on the head and made to read rule seven.

Ten: Don't forget the beer and don't be a cheapskate about it.

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Alfred Satish Jones in Washington, D.C