The men behind the microphone...

Commentators today are almost as big as the game itself. People like Gavaskar, Boycott, Tony Grieg, Harsha Bhogle, Sidhu and Shastri are changing the very nature of television commentating, adding something to watching a cricket match on the telly that I, for one, thoroughly enjoy. Each brings his own type of refreshing flavour and mannerisms to the broadcast and generally makes for very entertaining following. A lot of times the commentary has nothing to do with the cricket going on; sometimes it does; but the best part in all this is that it is like watching your favorite TV show along with the match.

The sample ‘commentary’ given below is fictional and relates to an imaginary match in South Africa. To enjoy the complete flavour of the commentary, imagine each person speaking the attributed comments with his own particular brand of speech, tone and accent. Sunil Gavaskar, with his reasonable, clear and convincing tone of voice; Geoffrey Boycott, making his opinion known in clear terms, accentuated by his Yorkshire drawl; Ravi Shastri, with his to-the-point "shooting from the hip" style; Sidhu throwing jargon/clichés/poetry/whatever around and generally shooting "from the hip and anywhere else he can shoot from" and with heavy emphasis on a couple of words in each sentence; Kapil Dev, in his rich, Haryanvi baritone and somewhat broken English; Maninder Singh, in his radio-style flowing Hindi combined with a great many English words in the middle; Harsha Bhogle, with his incurable optimism and wide smile.

Sunil Gavaskar and Geoffrey Boycott at the commentator’s box.

Geoffrey Boycott: "I would reely like to be a fly on the wall. During selection meetings and team strategy meetings, I reely would."

The scene was a familiar one. India having beaten the Proteas in the previous game with some comfort had in this game discovered another (more familiar) aspect to their game. From a comfortable position of 61 for one, chasing a South African total of 284 in 50 overs, they had slipped to 134 for 5 in 29 overs.

Gavaskar: "Tendulkar coming in at No. 4, Geoffrey. I just cannot believe it. After hitting a century in the opening match of the triangular and being in such good form, how can they possibly drop him down to No. 4? Is this a change just for the sake of changing? Has the Indian think tank taken leave of its senses? I really cannot understand it. Virender Sehwag has played around ten matches in his career. How can one replace Sachin Tendulkar with Virender Sehwag? You don’t send the best batsman in the world to bat with the tail; you send him up at the top where he can lead the team to victory. With the pinch-hitter coming in at 3, effectively Sachin has come at No 5 which is criminal to say the least."

Boycott (continuing as if Gavaskar hadn’t spoken at all): "Some things just blow me away; Reetinder Sodhi as pinch-hitter? My grandmother would be a better pinch-hitter than Sodhi, she would."

Gavaskar (with a smirk): "Didn't she bat at No. 3 for Yorkshire some hundred odd years ago, Geoffrey?"

Boycott (smiling): "Laugh, Sunny, laugh away to glory. I think you will agree that Sachin dropping down to No. 4 initially was because of Sehwag opening. When Sehwag got out in the seventh over there was no sense in keeping Sachin down any longer, even forgetting it was idiotic in the first place. If he starts thrashing the bowlers around then this match could be over in no time at all. What do they do? They send in Sodhi."

Gavaskar (heatedly): "Sachin Tendulkar is the best batsman in the world, Geoffrey. I don’t believe Sodhi, for all of his all-round talents, can score at a brisker pace than Tendulkar. If the idea was for Sodhi to slog his way out of the scoring slump India was in at that time, Sachin could have done the same thing with proper cricketing shots. India is chasing a big total here but I don’t understand how the think tank thought even Sehwag would score faster than Tendulkar. Sehwag has a century in 65-odd balls but Tendulkar has 30 centuries till date, most of them at a run a ball."

Boycott: "What about Laxman? He is a luvely player, a class act. His omission from the Indian team is as surprising as the omission of my grandmother from the English team for the Ashes."

Gavaskar (gravely): "Well Geoffrey, knowing how much you admire your grandmother’s cricketing abilities, I can see from this statement how deeply this affects you. I know you were hoping your grandmother would get the all-rounder’s slot in the team. She bowled well, didn’t she?"

Boycott (gloomily): "That she did, Sunny. When I look at people like Ajeet Agarkar in the Indian team as an all-rounder, I reely think she would have made the slot in the Indian team."

At this point of time, Sidhu and Shastri take over the commentating while Gavaskar and Boycott move to drown their respective sorrows in a cuppa tea.

Shastri: "India in trouble here. They will have to dig deep to get out of this, Navjot."

Sidhu: "Yes, Ravi, they definitely will have to dig very deep. They have plunged into this deep abyss they themselves created and it will take a great deal of fortitude to get out of this. 'As you sow shall you reap', Ravi, and it is harvest time for the Indians."

Shastri: "It all started with the toss that Ganguly won, didn't it, Sherry? Not a very easy toss to win. I would have preferred to lose the toss and let Pollock take the decision."

Sidhu: "Yes, Ravi, wickets are like wives. You never know which way they will turn. This Wanderer's wife has turned the South African way today and their batsmen after being put in have been like Robinhood’s merry men. They have plundered and they have stolen the peace of Ganguly's mind and the pace of the Indian bowling. The Indians, on the other hand, have been like a cat on a hot tin roof and they could have done with nine lives each."

Shastri: "Sodhi coming in at No 3 for pushing the score, Sherry. What do you make of that?"

Sidhu: "Reetinder Sodhi is like a rattlesnake, Ravi. In any fight he will get in the first two bites but today the rattlesnake met its match in Gibbs 'The Mongoose', who ran out Sodhi just when he was beginning to look good. Herschelle Gibbs can match a cheetah or an antelope any day in terms of speed, Ravi; and Sodhi was easy meat for him."

Shastri: "Sachin Tendulkar is the key man here, Sherry. He seems to be batting well and it is important for the man at the other end to just rotate the strike and let Sachin play as much as possible."

Sidhu: "Yes, Ravi, and I am sure Harbhajan will do that. This young man has a very good cricketing brain and I am sure he would have grasped the importance of letting Sachin take the lead right now. The lead horse, Ravi, is what guides the pack and Sachin Tendulkar, if given the head, will lead this pack through the thorny path of infinite impossibilities to the sweet smelling valley of Victoryland."

At this point of time, Harbhajan looks to heave Pollock out of the park and the ball goes high up in the air, finally landing in no man's land.

Shastri: "Harbhajan survives. The important thing for India here is to be careful about not playing stupid shots and that was a stupid shot. With Sachin Tendulkar at the other end, there is no need for Harbhajan Singh to play that shot."

The next ball sees Harbhajan making room and smashing the ball high and far, right over the bowler’s head.

Sidhu: "Ah, the exuberance of youth, Ravi. Harbhajan Singh has the blood of a 20-year-old flowing through his veins and his arteries. While Tendulkar is a thoroughbred, Harbhajan is a colt, young and frisky and straining at the bit. That ball went so high; the Arianne rocket could have hitched a ride with it. This is cricket, Ravi, and it ain't over till the fat lady sings."

Shastri (slyly): "Didn’t the air hostess catch it, Sherry?"

Sidhu: "No Ravi, the air hostess was busy flying the plane. The pilot passed out when that ball whizzed by. That shot had altitude and that shot had attitude."

A couple of deliveries later, the ball thuds into Harbhajan's pads and Umpire Orchad signals the batsman to be on his way.

Ravi Shastri (after watching the replay from three different angles and taking a close look at the snickometer to test the chance of a bat-pad) "Mr. Umpire, that was not out."

At this moment of time, Kapil Dev walks into the commentator's box in place of Shastri while Sidhu continues till his replacement gets there.

Sidhu: "The Indian batting has been getting massacred here, Kapil. Most of the Indian batsmen have resembled a broody hen sitting over a China egg. The South African bowlers have been deadly accurate today, just like the Tomahawks and the Cruise missiles being used by the Americans. 'Smart bombs', as they are popularly known. It has been precision bombing all the way.

Kapil (with his rich, Haryanvi accent coming to the fore) "Well Sherry, I read in newspaper those smart bombs are not always very smart. Some of them are very foolish bombs because they go where they should not go. That is something South Africans have not done today."

Sidhu (chastened); "The South Africans have been vastly superior in all aspects of the game today. Even during the South African batting, the carnage and the destruction in the last 7 overs could actually be reported to the RSPCA, if you forget technicalities. The Indian bowlers were really rendered impotent by Klusener’s blitzkrieg in those last overs. If only he had been taken at slip in the 43rd over when he had just come in, the situation might have been very different but then it is important to note that if Ifs and buts were pots and pans then there would be no tinker."

Kapil (nonplussed); – "Hain?"

Sidhu: "The start is very important, Kapil. Once the Indians were 19 for 1 in the ninth over, it really was a very difficult task for the rest of the batsmen to come in and chase such a huge total. The South African bowling, on the other hand has been incisive and lethal with Pollock in particularly looking extremely potent. That is why I say, Kapil, 'A good lather is half the shave’'."

Kapil (feeling his chin): "Haan, Sherry, Palmolive da jawaab nahi. Very good lather I get. I also use very good blade because good lather is only half shave and rest half also has to be completed."

Maninder Singh joins Kapil while a confused Sidhu moves to where Sunny and Boycott are still discussing the issue of Boycott’s grandmother and the Ashes with Boycott’s point being that his grandmother would add solidity to the middle order while giving the captain the added advantage of bowling her as a "regular" bowler.

Maninder: "Kapil, Aaj Bhaarat ki batting acchi nahi rahi. Batsmen ne apne ko acchi tarah apply nahi kiya hai. Regular intervals par wickets lose kiye hain India ne."

Kapil: "It is all a matter of staying at wicket, Manni. If you stay at wicket, runs will come by themselves. Indians have not been staying at wicket."

Maninder: "Pehli wicket ke baad Indian team mein khalbali si mach gai, Kapil. Ek ke baad ek aise pavilion mein bhaag rahe hain jaise andar laddu aur pede bant rahe hon”.

Kapil: "Waah Manni, Kya baat kahi hai. Mooh mein paani aa gaya."

Maninder: "Selection policy bhi theek nahi lagti, Kapil. Iske bare mein aap kya kahenge? Aaj Test matches ke liye team announce hui aur usme Rahul Dravid nahi hain. Bahut aashcharya hua kyonki backfoot par bahut accha khelte hain Rahul Dravid. Bahut zaroori hai backfoot par khelna South Africa ki pitches par."

Kapil: "Kya kahen selectors ke bare mein, Manni, mere dost Jimmy Amarnath yahaan hote to kehte 'Selectors bunch of f***ers hain'."

Maninder (shocked): "Kapil, Jimmy ne shaayad selectors ko ‘bunch of jokers’ kaha tha, ‘bunch of f***ers’ nahi kaha tha."

Kapil: "Jokers ho ya f***ers ho, Manni, end mein team ki performance matter karti hai aur yahaan to performance bahut kharaab rahi hai."

Finally the match ends, with India pulling off an unlikely win courtesy a glorious innings by Tendulkar. Post match analysis being done by Harsha Bhogle and Gavaskar.

Harsha (with 32 teeth showing): "That was an amazing match, Sunny, wasn’t it? Tendulkar played superbly."

Gavaskar: "Yes, he did, Harsha. He is a champion and today he showed why he is the best batsman in the world. I hope this nonsensical idea of Virender Sehwag opening in Tendulkar’s place is moved to where it belongs, namely into the dustbin. Ganguly and Tendulkar have formed a formidable opening partnership over the years and Tendulkar, even in bad form, is still a champion player. It is important to remember, Harsha, that form is temporary but class is permanent."

Harsha: "The end of an exciting match. South Africa was good, Tendulkar was better and India won by 2 wickets in the second last over. The next match is on Friday and we will be back then with live cricket from South Africa. For now, it is goodbye."

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Mail Sriram Ranganathan